


Can You Feel It Yet?

by ambroseashley



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - High School, Drugs, Eating Disorder, F/M, M/M, Phan - Freeform, Phanfiction, Rape, tw
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-06
Updated: 2016-03-11
Packaged: 2018-05-18 12:53:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5929171
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ambroseashley/pseuds/ambroseashley
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>feeling </p><p>ˈfiːlɪŋ/</p><p>noun</p><p>an emotional state or reaction.<br/>"a feeling of joy"</p><p>Dan is back at his parents swimming school for his third year. He knows what lies ahead, bullies, exercise, more clingy girls, more jealous guys, more stereotypical teenagers. He’s dreading ever moment and he doesn’t know if he’ll even survive another year in this hell.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Once Again

**Author's Note:**

> TW FOR EATING DISORDERS, RAPE, NON-CON, SEX, ORAL SEX, FOOD, HOSPITALS, DRUGS, (WEED, POT, HEROIN,) ALCOHOL, GETTING DRUNK, DEPRESSION, SUICIDAL THOUGHTS, GRAPHIC DESCRIPTIONS OF VIOLENCE.

Dan walks into the school yard, ignoring the lump in his throat, telling him to go back home and never leave his cave of Muse posters and video games. He kept his head high, he had to do this. It was just five months, then it would be Christmas and he could go home again. He can. He can do this. Just one more year. One more month. Just survive today. Get through today. He wheeled his suitcase up the steep, cracked steps that led to the boys dorms. He knew where his room was, it was the same room every year. His roommate had left last year and Dan prayed that he didn’t have to room with another dickhead. He knew this year was going to be worse than the last, it always was. When he thought he was already neck-deep in insecurities he always found them filling up, and oh, now he’s drowning in them. It’s going to be bad. **  
**

Dan arrived at his dorm on the Friday afternoon, he always came back to school a couple days early, to get his groundings and forget about video games, he had to forget about his interests and focus on winning the swimming competition, and focus on not drowning in guilt and insecure thoughts even more. His room was the same when he left it. An empty bed on the other side of the room, it looked like he would be alone in here for the rest of the year. Which had pros and cons, the pros that he got to be himself, to cry when he wanted too. But, without a roommate, he’d be left alone with his scary terrifying thoughts that put him to sleep. He’d be lonely, it would be quiet, and without distractions Dan would soon find himself contemplating whether he should keep on going or not. Dan sat on his bed, on the left side, it was always on the left side. The air was cold even though there was sun streaming the one square window placed in the middle of the wall, facing the sun. The sun showed the flecks of dust flowing through the room, invisible without direct light. On the other side of the room was a clothes rack, a clean, white bed. It was silent, and Dan had been sitting on his bed for an hour now, readying himself for the next year ahead of him. Dan, without realising, had let the inevitable tears come, and they were flowing down face and Dan had not enough energy to make them stop. They kept coming and he didn’t know if he could actually make it through this year. They eventually slowed, but by the end of it Dan was a mess, sniffling and coughing. Dan sighed, bringing his hand up to his face and wiping to snot and tears away. His eyes were still red and puffy. The silent sniffling was broken when a rather tall guy stumbled into the room, tripping over his own feet.

“Sorry!” the guy apologised, looking over at Dan who was still crying. “Oh my god, are you okay?” he asked as soon as he saw the splotchy tears and red puffy eyes. Dan stood up and just walked into the bathroom, ignoring him. When Dan was alone in the shower, he burst into tears again, the warm water washing them away, cleaning all the sadness away, washing away any happy things he’d done over the holidays. He got dressed and head out, trying not to be noticed by the new guy in the room. He drove his own car down to an abandoned old shopping centre, far away from the school. He pulled into the car park, trying to avoid the piles of broken glass. He didn’t think he would come here so quickly but even thinking about that school made him feel sick.

“Hey! Asshole! Get over here!” A buff guy called out to Dan. Dan smirked and made his way over to the guys who were already pretty tipsy. “Want some?” They same guy asked, throwing a bottle of beer over to Dan. Dan opened to beer and chugged half of the bottle in one go.

“Hey, gimme!” The guy next to Dan punched him, snatching the bottle off of Dan and finishing it off.

“Codyyyy,” Dan breathed, annoyed at Cody who had just stolen his drink. “Pass another, eh?” Dan asked the big guy, who had a large esky behind him.

“Welcome back, Howell,” Seth said, passing a half empty bottle of whiskey to Dan. Dan chugs the bottle, feeling the liquid burn his throat, feeling himself losing his grasp on reality. Dan had a tight grip on the bottle, his lifeline, for the rest of the night. He throws up at twelve am, and feels himself become sober again, and maybe he should go home, or maybe he should have a couple more drinks. He goes for the second option, drinking until the early hours of the morning, not knowing what he was doing at this point.

At three, he knew he had to get back, he couldn’t fall asleep here, if he did, surely he would get beaten up or something stolen. He said goodbye to the guys who had now got a bong out and were smoking. Stoners.

~

Dan came back to the dorm, finding it hard to stand up, he crawled through the window and felt the alcohol rising in his throat. He managed to keep the contents of his stomach down that night, finally going to sleep at four in the morning. The guy across him is asleep, he looks harmless and innocent, he wants to say sorry in advance for being a dickhead. This is the bit where he disappears and Dan Howell comes in, taking away his loved thing, replacing them with  judging teenagers and peer pressure.


	2. Another Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan goes out again, this night being so much worse than the last.

Dan groaned when he heard the faint Muse playing to his right. He opened eyes and WAS blinded by the sun streaming directly on his face. He manageD to grab his phone to check the time, it’s ten am. He has no idea what time he went to bed last night. The guy next to him who seems to be on his laptop laughs at Dan. Dan hates him, how dare anyone laugh at him, does he know who he is?

“Shut up! Have you never heard of being hung over?!” Dan shouted, sitting, looking down and realising he had no pants on. 

“Sorry, you really shouldn’t be drinking though, school is starting a couple of days,” the guy pointed out. 

“You think I don’t know that? I’ve been going here longer than you have, asshole.” Phil sighed, he wouldn’t want to get in a fight with a hangover asshole. 

“I’m Phil,” Phil introduced himself and Dan groaned. Why won’t he just fuck off already? If Dan was being truthful, Phil was a nice guy. He wasn’t to shabby looking and Dan was being really rude, he knew he was an asshole, but sometimes he wish he wasn’t. 

After a while Dan got up and showered, tripping over everything in his way. Dan showered quickly, he couldn’t do anything with a headache like this, so he decided he would stay in for a while, maybe watch some Star Wars. When he hopped out of the shower Phil had gone, and to be honest Dan was a little disappointed, even if he hated Phil, he enjoyed another living thing in the room. Dan did find a packet of painkillers on his bed with a note from Phil.

I’m Phil, I still don’t know your name but you looked like you need it.

Dan smiled, how could this guy be so nice when he was such a dick? He took two and was feeling a lot better when lunch came by and he went down to the dining hall. He hoped Phil would be there so he could talk to him and maybe thank him for the painkillers, no one was in the hall so no one would see Dan Howell talking to some loser new kid. When Dan entered the hall, only a couple students were there, but no Phil. Where was he? And why did he care? Dan sat alone, eating his lunch, thinking. Maybe Phil was at the pool? Was he part of the swim team? Dan thought about Phil all through lunch time, and once he was done, he decided to see if Phil was at the pool. He really shouldn’t be caring about a dumb new kid who he barely new, but he couldn’t himself, there was something about Phil that made dan wanted to know everything about him. He was curious, he had never met a person like Phil. Someone so kind and gentle, someone who was nice even when their roommate had been yelling at them. How could Phil be so kind? Where did he get that? Did other people outside of this nasty place act like that? Dan thought, an endless stream of questions ran through his head as he made his way down to the pools. Once inside he spotted Phil straight away, speeding down the length of the pool. He was fast, really, really fast. Dan watched, watched Phil swim gracefully down the lane, freestyle. He watched his long arms stroke against the water, propelling him forward and he had done two laps in three minutes. Phil stopped his rhythm when he saw his roommate watching him. 

“What are you doing here?” Phil yelled out to him, Dan smirked and walked towards him. 

“Just looking,” Dan replied, sitting down and dangling his feet in the water. 

“Why? You don’t look like the type to be on the swim team if I’m completely honest,” Phil told him, swimming towards Dan. 

“Hey! I’m on the swim team! I got best backstroke last year!” Dan said, splashing Phil his feet. 

“You seem better than this morning, did those pain killers help?” Phil asked, splashing Dan. 

“Yeah, they did. Thank you,” Dan said, not realising he had just sorry, a thing he never, ever did. Phil hopped up next to Dan soaking Dan’s shorts. 

“Sorry,” Phil said, noticing how wet Dan was. 

“I better get in anyway,” Dan replied, getting up and walking to the changing rooms, leaving Phil all alone again. 

Dan walked to his locker and pulled out his swim shorts, quickly getting dressed. Just as he was grabbing his towel his phone went off and Seth was calling. 

“Hey, mate,” Dan answered. 

“You coming tonight? We just stocked up and we have a lotta rum if you’re up for it,” Seth asked. 

“Sure, you bringing any girls?” Dan asked, as sometimes Seth and the other guys would bring a girl. Dan hated when they did, he felt sorry for the girl, he couldn’t do anything to prevent the girl from getting drunk and probably raped. It was sick. 

“Nah, but I think Dex is… Gonna be a fun night, eh?”

“Yeah,” Dan breathed, he didn’t want to go at all. He could witness another rape, not again. He could already hear her screams. The same thing happened every time, and Dan always hated it. Dan grabbed his towel and joined Phil in the pool, diving in. 

“Hello,” Phil said once he had flicked the hair out of his face. 

“Hey,” Dan replied, bobbing in the water. There was an awkward silence before Phil started swimming again. Dan moved to another lane and practiced, feeling out of breath after a couple of strokes, which was unusual, maybe he had eaten too much on the holidays. Dan kept swimming, still swimming after Phil had left with a small ‘bye.’ Dan kept swimming and before he knew it dinner was in half an hour. Dan got out, glad Phil wasn’t there to see his curly hair. Dan made his way to the changing rooms, drying off, thinking maybe he should skip dinner, maybe just a drink, he’s so out of shape anyway. Dan grabbed an energy drink from the canteen and made his way up to his room, where Phil was, on the phone, talking his parents. Dan quickly dashed to the bathroom and straightened his hair before heading out and driving the long distance to the shopping centre, seeing the potheads sitting in circle passing beers around. Dan spotted a blonde, short, busty girl leaning to Dex, who was much taller than her. She’s swaying around, already pretty tipsy even though it’s only seven. 

“Took you a while, Howell. This is Andrea,” Dex shouted to Dan who was walking towards the teenagers. Most of them were sixteen, Dan being the oldest. They were all shorter than Dan but still quite tall. They had formed this group in middle school, back when Dan was thirteen and the rest of them were twelve. They found this place when out walking towards the park. They used to come here almost everyday, and when the biggest guy, Seth, turned thirteen, he brought a bottle of wine from his mum's collection and they shared it. Ever since that night, they’d met up and drank their problems away. It’s been three years, and people had left and come, but Dan, Seth and Charlie, the quiet stoner, had stayed, they were the ones who had been hit with life the hardest, who struggled the most. Dan still hadn’t joined the stoner and pot wagon yet. Charlie had started the pot last year, he didn’t tell anyone about it, Charlie was always a quiet sufferer. Dan had told them last year that he didn’t want to do drugs, and they respected that. From the outside they looked horrible, scary and dodgy. Dodgy, that is true, but they cared about each other on some weird, twisted level. They all knew each other had crippling life problem that they cried about while high and forgot about the next morning. 

“Isn’t she a pretty one?” Cody commented, eyeing up the girl. Cody was the man whore, constantly fucking someone. 

“Oi, she’s mine, man whore,” Dex snapped, pulling the girl onto his lap. The girl kept giggling, grinding on Dex. “See?” Dex smirked, grinding back up her, kissing her neck from behind. It’s sick, how Dex claims her his own to leave on a bench somewhere, nowhere to go, no idea where she was. “Gin, anyone?” Dan reached over to Dex snatching it off him, wanting to not remember tonight. Dan sipped, feeling the hot liquid run down his throat, burning. He breathed and smelt gin from his breath. He took a couple more sips while the others smoked. They sat in silence, and Dan was probably going to get high if he smelt that any longer. Dan had drunk half the bottle at eight, and no one could form coherent sentences at that point. Dex had the smart idea to start palming Andrea, who thrusted into his hand. Dex pulled her out of her pants and Dan wanted to leave, he wanted to drive away or drink til he passes out. Dan gulped some more of the gin, coughing and spluttering after wards, squeezing his watery eyes shut and focused on trying to get the pain to go away. When the pain in his chest had faded, dan opened his eyes and saw the Dex was deep throating Amy, or was Anna, what was her name? She was choking and trying to talk but Dex kept pulling her mouth onto his cock. Dex threw his head back in pleasure, looking straight at Dan, motioning for him to have a go at the other end. Dan quickly shook his head took some of the gin, once again burning his mouth and throat, he smelled strongly of alcohol now. Dan looked over to Dex and saw that Seth had his fingers down her pussy. The girl was screaming, but that only pleased Dex more. She was sobbing and Dan knew she wanted to leave now. Dan had seen this happen so many times before, and every time he tried to close his eyes and not think about it. Dan tried to look away, but he couldn’t, he witnessed her get drugged even further, her mascara running down, her big beautiful eyes now glassy. Dex removed her shirt and she was naked, doing whatever the three guys wanted to do to her. Cody shoved Seth out of out the way and started roughly fucking her, pounding into her pussy until she came, screaming, crying. Cody kept fucking her and Dex still wasn’t done with her mouth. She came again, screeching, and Seth now had pinned her down and was covering his breasts with lube, sucking and biting her neck, kissing her breasts. Charlie scooted next to Dan, who was now looking down, trying to ignore her cries for help. 

Charlie took Dan’s bottle and took a sip before speaking, “Why aren’t you joining in?” 

“I don’t want too, she doesn’t want too,” Dan replied, leaning on Charlie for support. They both had no idea what time it was but the sun had only just gone down. “I’m going to be sick,” Dan said, trying to get up but instead falling over on Charlie, throwing up the gin and energy drink onto his shoes. 

“We got a chucker!” Cody laughed. Dan rested in Charlie’s lap, the whole world spinning, he’d going to be sick again. Dan crawled off Charlie and threw up, lying next to it. 

Charlie walked over to Dan, laughing and giggling. “Or maybe you’re gay.” 

~

Dan woke up a couple hours later, thanking the heavens that there was no blinding light and loud noises. He had a pounding headache, and could barely move. Dan open his eyes and saw a pile of  puke next to him. Dan rolled over, trying to get his head to move at the same speed of his body. 

“You up?” Charlie asks in which Dan groaned and failed his arms, wanting the noise to stop. 

“What time…?” Dan said, not being able to finish his sentence. 

“I think it’s one, maybe two?” Charlie laughed, still high, laughing at Dan’s grumpiness. 

“Fuck off, Charlie.” Dan sat up, feeling dizzy and nauseas. He managed to stand up, with the help of Charlie. “Where is everyone?” 

“They went to Dex’s house, still fucking the fat fairy.”

“Why did you stay?” Dan asked, curious as to why someone would actually care about a dickhead like him. 

“You think I want to go and rape a girl? Do I seem like the person to do that?”

“No.”

“Well then. Also, I couldn’t leave you here, don’t want your parents hearing about what you do, do you?”

“No…” Dan said, swaying back and forth, trying to regain his balance. “I have to go back to the dorms…”

“Bye, then. Try not to crash your car,” Charlie said, waving him off. Dan didn’t know how Charlie would get back to safety, he probably would stay the whole night. If anyone got hit hardest with the cruel reality it was Charlie.

Luckily there were no cars on the road as Dan was swaying around, driving on the wrong side of the road half of the time. 

Dan got back safely, still feeling extremely nauseous and sweaty, his hair was curly by now and he was very pale and sickly. Dan opened the door to his room and instantly fell over, causing Phil to wake up. 

“Dan?” Phil called out, rolling over and turning on the lamp. 

“No!” Dan screamed, the lamp being too much. Phil quickly turned off the light and went over to Dan, who was curled up into a ball, sobbing. Phil decided that he wouldn’t ask questions, just help Dan. Phil grabbed Dan’s bedside bin and brought it to Dan along with some tissues and some water. Dan downed the water in one go before throwing up in in the bin, feeling the burning feeling of alcohol come back up, running up his throat and into the bin. “I’m sorry,” Dan says, puffed out. He’s stopped crying now but he still feels like he is. The whole is spinning and all he can remember is a pretty smile. The pretty smiles of a girl who got raped a couple hours ago. 

“Do you want anything else? More water?” Phil offers, rubbing Dan’s back. 

Dan pushes Phil off, “No. Go away,” Dan says clutching the bin again. Phil hands him some pain killers that Dan always forgets to buy and goes to sleep. Dan is happy that no one is witnessing this, and he hopes Phil is asleep because he feels so shameful right now. So pathetic. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry i missed last week. Next chapter in two weeks.

**Author's Note:**

> updated every two weeks on Saturday, AEST. (So Friday for most of you.)


End file.
